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Savage Love: Leftover Advice for Live-Streamed Quickies

We hosted our second Savage Love Livestream last week and it was a blast. I ran my mouth as fast as I could but couldn’t give advice on every question that came in — there were hundreds of you and only one of me — so I’m going to power through as many leftover questions as I can in this week’s column. 

I remember the day I was able to come to your show in person. What a joy! It seems like years ago now. How do you maintain your sanity until we are able to go to concerts, theaters, museums, and dinner with friends again? I strive to be a good human but so struggle to stay my upbeat self.

I find it helps to remember that concerts, theaters, museums, dinners with friends, holidays with family, club nights, fetish parties, etc., are coming back — sadly, the same can’t be said for the people, jobs, and homes so many have lost. Helping others when and where you can is an excellent way to maintain your sanity, I’ve found, and your question prompted me to make another donation to Northwest Harvest, a wonderful organization that supports hundreds of food banks in my corner of the country, so thank you for that.

(Artwork by Joe Newton)

How would you deal with Trumpist (still!) relatives living with you during pandemic? My mother-in-law is here helping with newborn baby care and she brings up Trumpist talking points constantly and Trump permeates most other topics, like the pandemic, etc.

If I didn’t need the childcare, I would toss her ass out. If I needed the childcare but not so desperately that I couldn’t risk losing it, I would tell my mother-in-law to STFU or GTFO — and if my MIL complained or tried to play the victim after I told her off, I would print every photo I could find online of a Trump supporter in a “FUCK YOUR FEELINGS” t-shirt after the 2016 election and wallpaper the guest bedroom with them. But if I desperately needed the childcare desperately and couldn’t risk losing it, I would smile and nod and my supply of edibles fully stocked.

I need someone to tell me that it isn’t a sign that I see my ex’s name at least four times a day, every day. He dumped me almost three years ago and it’s ridiculous. Can you do that for me?

If you see his name multiple times a day, well, that’s most likely a sign your ex has an extremely common first name. And if you attach meaning to those sightings, that’s a sign you’re human. We have a tendency to see patterns where none exist and read meaning into random events. If your ex has a really uncommon name and you see it everywhere, well, that is most likely a sign that your ex is fucking with you.

My partner is a loving sweet human but he has a serious preference for women in rather small bodies and I am… well, I am not small. I want him to have what he wants and we are non-monogamous, but it’s hard to shake the feeling that I am not — and can never be — enough for him. He is unable to say that he’ll desire me no matter my size. This is painful. I know he’ll love me no matter what but I also want to feel desired. I’m finding it hard to find a middle ground where we both get what we need. Any advice to bridge the gap?

That your boyfriend couldn’t bring himself to tell you what you wanted to hear … that he couldn’t tell you what he hoped would be true (that he would always desire you) even if he suspected it might not always be true (a day might come when he no longer desires you) … that all makes me wonder whether your boyfriend has the emotional intelligence that you — that anyone — would want in a partner. And while it’s no consolation, I realize, many couples struggle to sustain desire over time, as any regular reader of an advice column knows. Boredom is more often to blame than aging or changing bodies, I believe, but there’s no way to guarantee that the person we’re with now will always desire you the same way they do now — or that you will always desire them the same way. That said, the single best way to get over feeling like you’re not enough for someone is to accept that you aren’t. Trying to be everything to someone is not only exhausting, it’s always futile.

I just wanted to say thank you. I called in to your podcast a couple years ago because I’m a spanking fetishist and a married pastor found me on FetLife and lied to me and manipulated me! I did what you said and reported him and he doesn’t work at that church anymore. I wanted to let you know that I’m living my dream life in LA with a spanko guy I met at a fetish gathering. He has been the best quarantine a person could ask for!

Thanks for the update and congrats!

At some point, during or after, should you tell (and how) your sex partner that he has warts in his butt?

I’d go with “before” but if you didn’t notice them before you got started and couldn’t bring yourself to say something during, definitely say something after. If he reacts badly when you tell him something he needs to know about his health, well, then you’ve learned something important about him. Important and disqualifying.

My husband has a big dick and wants to try butt stuff. I have had anal in the past with other partners with smaller penises. Honestly, I’m a little scared so I’m not in a rush here but want to please my man eventually. How do we go about priming my hole? Thanks!

Tongues, toys, lots of lube, and the first time you get that monster in you, that’s all you’re going to do — get it in. He gets hard and lays back and you take charge of the pace and depth of penetration. And then it’s not about him fucking you, it’s about him staying still and you relaxing and breathing until that things feels good in there. Even then he doesn’t get to fuck you. Instead, you masturbate the first few times his dick is in there — you get to come, not him. Having a few orgasms with his cock in you — or having a dozen — will create the kind of pleasurable association that leaves your hole craving his cock. Then you fuck.

kink savage love advice
Dan Savage with the Quickie advice.

My older brother is a 38-year-old straight male in NY. When COVID hit, his fiancé’s tendency to believe in conspiracy theories became more apparent and their relationship quickly declined. He’s a progressive, liberal-minded, deeply moral person and she’s from a family of right-wing gun collecting Scientologists. Recently they separated to collect their thoughts. Ultimately they agreed to separate. It’s now been two weeks. They still live together and are confused about what to do next. My question is, what advice do you give to someone who knows what they need to do but is too paralyzed to do it?  

Don’t give your brother advice, give him time. It’s only been two weeks! And you don’t need to give him advice if he starts to waver — you don’t need to tell him what to do — you just need to give him a pep talk. He knows what he has to do. Give him support, moral and practical, not advice.  

I’m from Indiana and I just watched The Prom on Netflix. Have you watched it? If so, did it make you like Indiana more or less?

I love Bloomington, Indiana, too much to write the whole state off — and I’ll take James Cordon in The Prom over former Indiana governor Mike Pence in the White House. (For the record: I didn’t find Cordon’s performance any more offensive than Eric Stonestreet’s Cameron on Modern Family … which I’ve never found offensive at all.)

I have a question about adult incest, also called genetic sexual attraction in the adoption community (GSA). I slept with my biological father 30 years ago. We met when I was an adult after I had been raised by my adoptive parents. Now it’s so awkward to act like I’m a sister to the other children he raised. Should I ever tell them that our dad is my ex-boyfriend?

No — if there’s no chance your siblings will ever find out, take that I-fucked-our-father shit to the grave.

I became “acquainted with” my partner’s ex last year while we were on a break. I wound up ghosting her because of how intense she was and now I feel a bit guilty about keeping this secret from my partner. Do I need to speak up?

Yes — if there’s any chance your partner will find out about this, better she hears that I-acquainted-myself-with-yourex shit from you than from someone else.

If offered, would you consider making a guest appearance as yourself on an episode of Big Mouth?


I’m a 41-year-old woman. Do all 30-year-old guys on dating apps that swipe right on me just want to fuck?

Assume they just wanna fuck and you won’t be disappointed — you might even be pleasantly surprised, e.g. you might get some hot sex out of it and if a guy comes along who wants more than just sex, well, then you might get some hot sex out of it and a younger boyfriend too.

Thanks to everyone who attended our second Savage Love Livestream on Zoom! And here’s to getting together in person for a live show in 2021! Keep wearing your masks, keep washing your hands, keep keeping your distance, and get vaccinated as soon as you can!

Need advice? Send questions to; Follow Dan on Twitter; On the Lovecast, Sarah Silverman! Read past Savage Love columns here.


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