-Can’t Part Over Sex
You’ve cheated on everyone you’ve ever been with, and your girlfriend has presumably cheated on everyone she’s ever been with. (That’s what you meant by “she has as scandalous a past as I do,” right?) But instead of embracing the cheats and sluts you both know yourselves to be and thanking your fucky stars for bringing you together, CPOS, you felt obligated to disavow your past behaviors — some of which sound legitimately terrible — and slut-shame yourselves and each other. And for what? You are still the people you were before you started theatrically cringing about how you met. She doesn’t trust you not to cheat on her, and I don’t see why she should. You don’t trust her not to cheat on you, and I don’t see why you should. So why promise not to cheat?
Why waste time and emotional energy policing each other for evidence of what you both know to be true: You’re going to cheat on each other. That you can trust in. So instead of making promises you can’t keep and then having meltdowns and stealing each other’s phones and breaking up and getting back together, CPOS, make a promise you can keep. Not to be faithful but to be considerate. And discreet. Promise not to do anything that makes her feel like she isn’t your top priority even if you do fuck around occasionally, and ask her to make the same promise to you. Then you can move forward as honest sluts and not lying cheats.
-Pensive And Incredibly Nervous
–Sex Alacrity Diminished