Scanner: Is This My Home?

YOU’RE GROUNDED A 31-year-old woman was startled when she realized someone was trying to break into her north Charlotte apartment at around 1:30 a.m. on a recent morning, so she did what most people would do and called the police. Luckily, she didn’t do what many others would do and shoot the suspect, because according to the officers that responded to the scene, further investigation found that the would-be burglar was actually just the woman’s son trying to sneak back into the house after a missed curfew.

CRASH PAD A 26-year-old man was equally startled to return home after a recent night of drinking to find that his apartment actually had been broken into by a stranger who was also apparently trying to recover from his own bar-hopping adventures. According to the victim, he returned home to his Post South End apartment on Bland Street at 3:40 a.m. on a Sunday morning and found a complete stranger sleeping on his couch. Though the police report skips over what happens next, the man who lived there reported suffering from “minor injuries” including bruises and scratches, and the mystery guest is now wanted not only for misdemeanor breaking and entering but also simple assault, so it’s safe to assume he was not too happy with being woken up in the middle of his nap. According to the victim, the suspect left behind a XXL Asos jean jacket, in the pocket of which was a receipt from Slate, a bar just across the light-rail tracks from the apartment.

WE LIVE IN A SOCIETY The manager at a United States Postal Service warehouse in west Charlotte called police on a recent Sunday night after finding a suspicious package and immediately coming to the conclusion that it belonged to one of their stoner-ass employees. The manager told police that someone found a sealed package containing six pounds of marijuana in the women’s bathroom at around 11:30 p.m. According to the report, “it is unknown who placed the package in the bathroom, although the manager believes it is a known employee.” What was the giveaway? Was it the fact that every time this employee goes to the bathroom she comes back and forgets what she was doing? My favorite part of the report is that the only victim listed is “Society,” and yet I don’t know of anyone who would be bothered by this.

THE MOTHER LOAD Another recent call about a found package was probably the result of a porch pirate not knowing what they had before ditching a package in northeast Charlotte. According to the report, a nearby resident found a half-opened package in a drainage ditch on a road off of Plaza Road Extension, and in the package they found a Nokia motherboard, a cellphone part valued at $1,500.

LEAVE YOUR MARK A 63-year-old man working at Mike’s Groceries on The Plaza in north Charlotte called police after a clearly troubled man came into the business and made a mess of things before assaulting the unsuspecting store clerk. The employee told the police that the suspect walked into the store just before 6:30 p.m. and immediately began acting odd. Then, without warning (except for the odd behavior), the suspect began damaging property. The suspect threw random groceries around the store, including bags of chips, peanuts and crackers, according to the report, doing $200 in damage. He then moved on to the wine aisle, where he shattered $200 worth of bottles on the floor, then began taking out his rage on a lottery computer, doing $200 in damage to that. When the clerk tried to stop the man, a struggle ensued and the suspect hit him in the face with a tool. The victim suffered only minor injuries and refused medical treatment from police.

CUSTODY BATTLE A 28-year-old north Charlotte woman called police after receiving a disturbing visit from an unknown male while she was babysitting some kids in east Charlotte on a recent Saturday afternoon. According to the report, “at approximately 4:45 p.m., an unknown male subject knocked on her front door and asked to take the children she was babysitting.” I can’t believe this needs to be said, but whoever told y’all that as long as you ask nicely you can have anything you want was dead wrong. Luckily, the man left without incident after being told that, no, he absolutely couldn’t “take the children” and officers filed a non-criminal report to document the incident.

DOUGHNUT DO THAT Police responded to the Krispy Kreme corporate headquarters on Hawkins Street in South End recently after a suspect — apparently a Dunkin’ Donuts fan — called in a bomb threat. Seeing as how the call came in at 4:57 p.m. on a Monday, it probably didn’t cause too much of a fuss, as workers took the opportunity to leave the office three minutes early. Word to the unwise: If you’re planning to force the evacuation of a Krispy Kreme building in order to run in and grab some doughnuts, make sure it’s one of the buildings where they actually make doughnuts.

NEED A FIX Maybe it’s the potential banning of vape products that’s got everyone hankering for nicotine, but more reports have begun popping up recently about people assaulting other people for cigarettes. In one incident, an unknown suspect attacked a 56-year-old woman working at a Circle K convenience store on Brookshire Boulevard only to make off with a single pack of Newport cigarettes. Fortunately, the woman suffered only minor injuries and did not need medical treatment. At an unrelated incident at a QuikTrip on North Tryon Street on the same night, a 37-year-old employee told police that he confronted a man who was stealing Newport cigarettes, and when he did the suspect brandished a gun before leaving with the cigs.

LET ME OUT A woman visiting Novant Health Presbyterian Medical Center in the Elizabeth neighborhood must have been a bit short on her parking fees, and rather than try to work it out with staff there, she took matters into her own hands. According to the report, the woman “collided with a ticket booth and drove off at a high rate of speed” at around 6:30 p.m. one recent evening. Nobody knows who the woman was exactly, but a Novant employee got eyes on her and was able to write down her license plate number, so safe to say she will be receiving a bill for the $300 in damage she did to the booth, at the very least, very soon.

DITCH THE GOODS Employees at a Petco at the Metropolitan were tricked by a pair of shoplifters on one recent morning, but staff got the last laugh after finding that the suspects were more conniving than they were brave. According to one employee, two suspects came into the store and split up. One distracted an employee by asking a bunch of questions while the other stole a large dog crate, though the employees didn’t realize this until they looked outside and saw the suspect who had asked all the questions standing in the parking lot holding a dog crate that he hadn’t bought. When the suspect realized he was being watched, he placed the crate on the ground and hurriedly walked away.