Swimming in the Gene Pool
I’m in my late 30s, and after years of being single and dateless in the Queen City, I finally got asked out by a 50-something-year-old man a year ago … and then he ghosted me. Fast-forward to this July, we ran into each other again and made plans for a sushi date. He arrived at my house 15 minutes early to pick me up for the date and he was the perfect gentleman. The date was great. He shared that his younger brother lives with him and it seems like I have more in common with him, such as driving the same car, and loving the same kind of wine! The following week, I stepped out of my comfort zone and asked him if he would like to hang out later, and he said “Cool.” He called me that day around noon to explain he was busy and would hit me up when he finished. He didn’t get back to me until 8:30 p.m. but I was already in bed because that is too late. He sent “Good morning” texts and nothing else. One day he asked about going out later that week and I never heard back from him. A week later, I hit him up and asked him to give his brother my number since we have more in common. He responded saying he would pass the info along, but he was sorry he didn’t get back to me due to a death in the family. Was I wrong for my text?
-Hook a Sista Up
Dear Hook a Sista Up,
In between my blank staring and blinks, I must say congratulations on landing a date in Charlotte and being open to going out with someone older. But, with all the craziness that goes on in the news, have you lost your mind letting that man pick you up for the first date?! Hopefully you exercised some good sense and let your circle of friends know where you were going and with whom!
So you went back out with this perfect gentleman, but did his ass bother to explain where he was for the past year? While the “Good morning” texts are cute and all, why was that the extent of your convo? Is it because he’s older and isn’t a good texter or was he expecting you to pick up the ball and run the convo until you reached a touchdown? It sounds like neither of you were putting forth much effort.
Now, I’m sure dude wasn’t telling you about his brother so that you would think his sibling is a better fit. He was probably just opening up and telling you about his life. Allow me to keep it 100 with you — 8:30 p.m. treads the line of being late depending upon what kind of plans you were thinking about. Besides, he told you what he had going on, so you can’t assume it would be wrapped up in a pretty bow by 2 p.m. It also sounds to me like you never set a specific time as to when you wanted to hang out. “Later” is not a time, “later” is exactly what it is, later, and that could have meant the next day, the next week, month or hell the next year.
Sista, you have to specify what you want and be clear on your intentions. If you wanted to go out with him that evening, you should have used your words and said, “Do you want to go to XYZ at 123’o clock this evening?” While we are on the usage of words, wtf do you mean by “hang out” anyway? For many men, that could mean you wanted to hunch, so it’s not a shock if one hit you up during the hours you deem as “late.” So again, the universe can hear you, just make sure whatever your intentions are — be clear about it.
Now, people do have things going on in their lives, and most folks have mastered using a telephone to communicate such things. It doesn’t sound like you two had much of a texting or phone call relationship to begin with, and it was triflin’ of him to not reach out after asking you to go out. At that point, you already knew his history of ghosting, so why continue to entertain him by texting the following week? Is it because you wanted some attention, or were you feeling rejected because he fell off the face of the Earth again, or did you genuinely like him? It sounds like some self-love is needed here, because when you love yourself, you will put that man in his place, which is out of your life.
I do think asking him to pass your number along to his brother was dead-ass wrong. You don’t know him, never met him, and all this old-ass ghoster has told you is what kind of car the brother drives and the type of wine he drinks; a love connection that does not make. If you are interested in learning more about the brother, then find another way to meet him — don’t take the lazy route asking him to pass your number along. It almost sounds like you wanted to disrespect him for disrespecting you, but come on, being petty isn’t the answer.
If you have a dilemma you need help solving, drop me a line: firstname.lastname@example.org
This work by Queen City Nerve is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial 4.0 International License.