BLEED PANTHER BLUE A 56-year-old woman filed a police report after she was grossly assaulted by another woman at a recent Panthers game against the Buffalo Bills. The woman told officers that the suspect assaulted her “by poking her in the back and shoulder and rubbing her blood on the victim’s back and shoulder.” So many questions remain.
CAN’T LET GO A 26-year-old Uptown woman filed a police report after someone kidnapped her 4-month-old French bulldog named JuJu. The woman told police that the suspect already had custody of JuJu and another one of her dogs, and when she met them in the parking lot of her apartment complex on one recent afternoon, the suspect gave her one dog back, but then drove away with JuJu still in the car, and has since refused to return the dog when the victim calls.
NEW PHONE WHO DIS Police recently responded to an assault call near Romare Bearden Park after three women — ages 22, 27 and 28 — got into a fight involving weapons. When officers arrived, they found that nobody showed any visible signs of injury. No harm, no foul, right? Not so fast. While on scene, officers observed one woman assault the other, and she was arrested for simple assault. Upon searching everyone involved, police found one pocket knife and a fake smartphone that was actually a stun gun.
BURY THE PAIN Police responded to a 7-Eleven on Tuckaseegee Road in west Charlotte after someone stole alcohol from the store, but he did it in such a way that I can only look on in awe. An employee in the store told police that the suspect walked into the store just before 8 p.m. on a Monday evening and went to the beer cooler. According to the report, he picked out a Clubhouse Cocktail alcoholic beverage, then walked over to the soda and Slurpee area. The man poured the drink into a Slurpee cup, then poured Slurpee on top of it. He then went to the register and paid in full for the Slurpee, but not the alcoholic beverage.
NEW TECHNOLOGY According to a recent report, an 18-year-old south Charlotte man called police after a known suspect allegedly “threatened to shoot him and his roommate over the telephone.” He can probably relax, though, because I don’t think that’s possible.
HE KNEW TOO MUCH Two women filed a joint report after their storage units were broken into at Extra Space Self Storage in north Charlotte. The women lost thousands of dollars of property, including five TVs, two iPads, luggage, art, clothing and furniture. Among the items listed as stolen was a talking Elmo toy worth $50, probably because he could have identified the suspect.
INSERT SHRUG EMOJI According to one recent actual police report, that we will quote in full here, “On 8/21/2019 the listed reporting person found some Japanese writing in dust on a window that was in a house under construction.”
PROCRASTINATION A 38-year-old south Charlotte man will be sticking around in our fair city for a while longer after he was scammed out of his moving money. The man told police he sent $5,200 to someone claiming to be the leasing agent for a rental unit in Cambridge, Massachusetts. According to the report, “The victim stated that when he did not hear back from the suspect he completed research on the rental property and located the original owner of the property. The victim learned that the property had already been rented for one year to another couple.” It seems the best time to research the apartment you’re planning to rent would be before you send more than $5,000 to someplace 800 miles away, but that’s just me.
ON TARGET Police responded to Target at the Metropolitan after a loss-prevention officer caught a half-shopper, half-shoplifter in the midst of an age-old scam with a new-age twist. The eagle-eyed guard told police he was watching the shopper at self-checkout, and apparently watching very closely, because he began to notice that the prices popping up on the register didn’t seem right. Further investigation found that the scanner scammer had taken price tags from cheap items and placed them on items of much higher value. All in all, the suspect would have saved $550 if not for the security guard.
All Scanner entries are pulled from CMPD reports. Suspects are innocent until proven guilty.