The Scanner: Dollar Bill, Y’all

The Scanner is filled with entries pulled from CMPD incident reports that we find silly or outright insane.

MAKE IT RAIN
A University City man’s planned trip to the strip club was apparently ruined on a recent Sunday night after his car was broken into and all his bills stolen. The man told police that he parked his car on South Tryon Street near the center of the city at 11:30 p.m. and left it there for just 20 measly minutes. In that short time, someone broke into the car and stole $600 worth of dollar bills that he had in a Harris Teeter bag. And just to make things personal, the thief also stole a Congratulations card addressed to the victim.

PUT THIS ON
A woman in southeast Charlotte was alarmed at what she found on the ground in front of her home one recent Friday morning, but it could be a nice addition to her wardrobe since she’s been unable to find an owner. According to a report, the woman found a black bulletproof vest made by Safariland, a company that manufactures products for law enforcement, and it had an EMS patch on it. She contacted police, who contacted Medic, who informed them that the vest did not belong to them. This is not the type of omen I would like to receive.

CONGRATULATIONS
An equally confused man called police to turn in some property that he had also found in front of his home, although this delivery seemed to be targeted at him. The man told police that he opened his mailbox one afternoon and found a purse, and inside the purse was a purple bag, and inside the bag was a single ring with the words “Tharros Bijoux Firenze,” which appears to be a shop in Florence, Italy. Sir, your journey begins now.

KNIFE AT A GUNFIGHT
Police responded to North Tryon Street near West Sugar Creek Road on a recent Thursday afternoon after an anonymous caller told 911 dispatch that someone near the intersection had been overheard talking about robbing people with a gun. When officers arrived, they spotted a man who fit the suspect description and searched him. He was found to have two knives on him but no gun (lyin’ ass), but was still charged with carrying a concealed weapon without a permit.

GUNS GALORE
A Wilmington gun dealer came to Charlotte recently to participate in the cringeworthy Dixie Gun and Knife Show, but little did they know someone would clean them out of their inventory before the show could even start. According to a report, at around 4 a.m., someone shattered a window at the Park Expo & Conference Center where the big gun orgy was scheduled to take place and climbed inside. The two suspects hit the jackpot when they came across the collection of Fred Pickler & Associates, which was already on display. They shattered that glass, as well, and got to grabbing guns. The thieves originally took 18 handguns, five revolvers, a knife, a parachutist bag, an AR-30 magazine and $200 in cash, but dropped 12 of the guns during their getaway. In the end, they made off with 11 guns and the above-mentioned accessories, for a total valued at more than $7,500.

SLENDERMAN
A 10-year-old girl at Ashley Park Elementary School learned an embarrassing lesson recently after technology shut down a stunt she tried to pull for attention, or she just might be able to see dead people. According to the report, the girl told teachers that she was approached by a strange man while playing outside for recess one morning, but when police and school staff members went back to check the surveillance footage, they found that no such interaction occurred.

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE
A buyer at a local car auction would have gotten a big surprise with their new car if not for the eagle eye of an employee working at ADESA Charlotte, the auction company in southwest Charlotte where the incident occurred. Someone who was preparing the car for auction found a plastic baggie filled with white crystals that they believed to be methamphetamine and turned them over to police.

THE WRONG STUFF
One car breaker-inner (What do you call them? Car burglars?) had to have been upset after thinking that they had found some good weed in a victim’s car in southeast Charlotte, only to be underwhelmed by its effects. A 35-year-old south Charlotte man said his car was broken into one afternoon while parked at Hendrick Acura of Charlotte on East Independence Boulevard and the thief stole $20 worth of CBD flower — which looks just like marijuana but has no THC — plus a cigarette that had been rolled with the same flower, also worth $20.

TORE IT RIGHT OFF!
Employees at Primary Care Solutions, a multi-service provider for the community in east Charlotte, called police after someone broke into their office overnight and did some serious damage. Apparently, the suspect broke in at some point on a Saturday night/Sunday morning and just went to town, tearing and discarding window blinds and window accessories before targeting the shower by ripping down the shower head, accessories, the shower rod and curtains. The suspect then punched a hole in the wall. The officer who filed the report must have been impressed with what this suspect was able to pull off, because the report even includes an exclamation point when it states how they got into the building past the alarm system: “He tore the censors off the window inside and out after just replacing!”

ERASERHEAD
A 60-year-old Ballantyne woman will have to wait even longer now to erase whatever mistake she made after a porch pirate struck her home. The woman said that she was notified that a package was delivered to her on Feb. 12, but when she got home from work at 6 p.m., there was nothing there. Inside the box were 25 animal-shaped erasers she had ordered from Japan, valued at $10 total.

All Scanner entries are pulled from CMPD reports. Suspects are innocent until proven guilty.

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