The Scanner: I Am the Manager

UNDERCOVER BOSS Police responded to Arcadia Student Living, an apartment complex near UNC Charlotte’s campus, in response to a person pulling a power move after being banned from the property. According to the report, the property manager banned the suspect from the complex at around 10 a.m., though it does not state the reason why. Just minutes later, the suspect returned, and when he was asked to leave, he insisted that he was actually the owner of the entire complex and therefore could not be banned. A quick Google search shows that the complex is actually owned by a real estate firm called Landmark Properties and not, in fact, a kid who’s already busy getting banned from an apartment complex before most college kids are even awake.

INSECURITY A 69-year-old woman filed a police report after a thief recently stole a package from her front porch before she could bring it inside. The woman told officers that Amazon delivered the package to her door at around 4 p.m., and by the time she went to retrieve it at 7 p.m., it was gone. She later found the empty package in her carport. She didn’t have a description of the suspect because she didn’t have one of those doorbell cameras installed. So what did the thief make off with? According to the report, a doorbell camera.

TWISTED METAL The roads have been raging in Charlotte lately. A few unrelated incidents that caught our eye in the last couple weeks are as follows: A 57-year-old woman filed a report after someone threw a bottle at her Honda CRV while she drove down West Mallard Creek Church Road in north Charlotte. She said that no damage was done, but she wanted to report the incident because “noise from the impact of the bottle startled the victim.” A 36-year-old woman called police for a hit-and-run after she tried to pass someone driving a dirtbike down South Mint Street only to have said man break the side mirror on her Mercedes. A 56-year-old man told police he came under attack by a reckless driver in South End on a recent night. The victim told police he saw the man driving recklessly on East Bland Street, and when the driver parked, the victim went to look at his license plate. This put the suspect in a rage, and he got out of his car, yelling that he would kick the victim’s ass. The only problem was, he didn’t put the car in park. Unfortunately, the report only states that the suspect didn’t put the car in park but does not say how that ended up for him.

TAKING ITS TOLL A 62-year-old man in south Charlotte filed a report stating that a stranger became upset with him over who had the right-of-way (spelled in the police report as “right away”) while he was stopped on Runnymede Lane near Barclay Downs Drive, so the suspect attacked the man’s Lexus with a large stick, doing $600 in damage. Police withheld the name of the victim from the report, although he later identified himself on the radio; he was none other than former governor and current radio blowhard Pat McCrory. He told the story on his WBT morning show the next day, stating that the suspect was carrying a large tree across the street and when McCrory stopped to let him continue on, the suspect recognized him and went on the attack.

NO GOOD DEED A 50-year-old woman was on the receiving end of both a favor and a grotesque assault in south Charlotte recently, and the two didn’t exactly even out. The victim told police that she was walking toward the lobby of the Woodlawn House Apartments where she lives when she dropped a napkin. Then, according to the report, “the suspect bent down and picked up the napkin, gave it to the victim and spit in her eye.” The victim did not seek medical attention. After all, she only needed the napkin.

THE REVENANT A 30-year-old south Charlotte woman and her kids were attacked in the parking lot of the Marvin Villas apartment complex in the Grier Heights neighborhood of southeast Charlotte, but luckily escaped unharmed, as the suspect used a weapon meant for an entirely different species. The woman told police that she was in a car with her three children — ages 11, 9 and 3 — and another person when the suspect approached and sprayed the whole group with aerosol bear deterrent. Seeing as how they were all human and not the damn Berenstain Bears, all five only suffered minor injuries and did not need treatment from the Medic.